Posted by Richard Harland Smith on May 17, 2013
… that guys in movies will never again wear top hats. And I don’t mean in a Baz Luhrmanny “It’s the 19th Century! Let’s wear top hats and listen to disco!” way that deconstructs top hat-wearing but just a plain movie, with a real story, where guys wear top hats unironically and come in from the street and take off their gloves and drop them into the well of their top hats as they hand their stuff to the butler and then they tug on the hem of their waistcoats before entering the drawing room. Because they don’t make those movies anymore.
… that Hollywood will never stop trying to improve this.
… that mad movie doctors’ laboratories will no longer contain a higher proportion of scientific instruments to instruments of torture.
… that we’ve had all the Golem movies we’re going to get.
… that neck bolts are out.
… that people forget how effective greasepaint, hillbilly teeth, and acting can be.
… that zombies will never again be allowed to be just ghostly and odd, like sleepwalkers.
… that the Devil will never again be as simple as casting a bald guy with effed up teeth.
… that a movie haunting will never again be this elegantly uncomplicated.
… that horror movie gore will never again be this delightfully chromatic.
… that there is no place in 21st Century fantasy filmmaking for a giant prop foot.
… that no other fake scare will be as eerily immortal.
… that the Blind Dead really aren’t coming back.
… that we’ll never again see the movie credit “based on a novel by Edgar Wallace.”
… that Dracula will never again be just an undead badass motherhubbard, that moving forward he’ll always be saddled with this superfluous backstory now about how he was an honorable Romanian prince who loved his wife and children until somebody made him a vampire so it’s not his fault or he was Judas Iscariot and this is his damnation and come on! Thinking outside the box has ruined Dracula for everybody.
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