Mary Mc Carthy on Lillian Hellman “every word she says is a lie including the and and.”

W. C. Fields on Chaplin: “He’s the best goddamn ballet dancer I’ve ever seen, and if I have the chance I strangle him with my bare hands!”

Groucho on Victor Mature after a screening of SAMSON AND DELILAH to Cecil B. DeMille: “The picture will be a failure-you have the actors all wrong. Victor Mature has much bigger knockers than Hedy Lamarr!”

I’ve heard that Sinatra liked to call Brando “Mumbles”, because he couldn’t understand a word he said. Unfortunately, that is as juicy a comment as I have to contribute.

I can’t remember exactly how he put it, but in her biography of her mother Marlene Dietrich, Maria Riva said that Hitchcock praised her for her knowledge of a long list of film-related talents–camerawork, lighting, etc. Dietrich was pleased by the comment, because she didn’t notice that he hadn’t mentioned acting.

This was such a funny list! They’re all so good that I can’t believe any of them would stand out, but Bette Davis’ comment about Cary Grant and Walter Matheau’s fart quip really had me rolling.

Not technically an actor-to-actor insult, but Dirk Bogarde’s reminiscence in his autobiography of being collected at the airport by an ingratiating Hollywood limo driver is priceless. After an indeterminate period of blatant insincerity, the driver drops Bogarde off with an instant-plastic “Have a nice die.” Bogarde’s comment: “I almost thanked him.”

A twofer: At Ward Bond’s funeral, John Ford walked up to Andy Devine and said, “Now YOU’RE the biggest asshole I know.”

JeffH – Funny stuff! I hadn’t heard the Chaplin insult before.

Duke – There was definitely some bad blood between Sinatra and Brando. Brando’s nickname for Sinatra was “Mr Baldy.”

KC – Glad you enjoyed it! Bette’s remark about Grant made me chuckle too and Matheau’s comment to Streisand is laugh out loud funny.

Tom – Funny! Maybe I should start compiling a list of “Director-to Actor” insults for a future post.

Neil – Great stuff! Bogarde’s one of my favorite actors so I always enjoy reading stories about him.

Stanley Holloway, upon seeing an outraged fan hit Rex Harrison with her theater program: “The fan has hit the shit!”

You know, while I can’t concur with Bette Davis’ assessment of Cary Grant, I do have to agree with her that it is pretty much impossible to imagine the two of them occupying the same universe.

Jerry Lewis on Groucho Marx: “He took everything he heard at a cocktail party and turned it into material.”

Red Skelton at disliked studio head Harry Cohn’s crowded funeral: “Give the people what they want and you’ll always sell out.”

James Cagney on Horst Bucholz: “I’d like to knock him ass-over-tea kettle”

After completing A Bill of Divorcement, Katharine Hepburn told John Barrymore, “I will never act with you again,” whereupon Barrymore replied, “you never have.”

When director Sam Wood said to Groucho Marx, “you can’t make an actor out of clay,” Groucho retorted, “nor a director out of Wood.”

My 2 all-time favorite insults: one was an actor about a mogul-Red Skelton about the well-attended funeral of Columbia chief Harry Cohn: “It just proves-give the public what they want, and they’ll show up!”

The other was director Marshall Neilan about studio boss Louis B. Mayer: “An empty taxicab pulled up, and Louis Mayer got out!”

And who was it that said “Good career move!” when another celebrity died?

These are hilarious! Such vitriol! Such passion! Such Ego!

Wonderful post!

More an anecdote than an insult but during the filming of “Samson and Delilah” while watching the dailies Hedy Lamarr complained to Cecil B. DeMille that in too many scenes she was seen from behind in a clinch, with Victor Mature’s face showing over her shoulder. DeMille replied,”What do you think every red-blooded American male would rather look at, his face or your ass?”

Similarly not-quite-an-insult: When Herman Mankiewicz was writing for Columbia Studios, he was at a production meeting with the head of the studio, Harry Cohn. Cohn claimed “When I’m alone in a projection room, I have a foolproof device for judging whether a picture is good or bad. If my fanny squirms, it’s bad. If my fanny doesn’t squirm, it’s good. It’s as simple as that.”

Mankiewicz responded, “Imagine, the whole world wired to Harry Cohn’s ass!”

Harry Cohn did not care for that remark. In fact, Mankiewicz was so well known for his mouth that he was kept far away from Cohn at production meetings. The distance apparently couldn’t make up for the volume of Mankiewicz’s voice.

I like the old Ava Gardner quote about Frank Sinatra. Not an insult (in fact, it’s quite flattering) but funny nonetheless:

“He may only weigh 120 pounds, but 100 of that is cock.”

Glad you enjoyed it medusa!

And thanks for sharing more quotes everyone even if they’re not actors-on-actors or even insults for that matter. Good stuff!

What a fun post-loved Matthau’s line to Streisand, and Betty and Joah-oh my! I bet making Whatever Happened to Baby Jane was full of headaches for the director with those two!

No insults to pass along, but this post has reminded me of Robert Benchley. He wasn’t so cutting and sarcastic, but his way with words as a theater critic was above par, his Hollywood work as an actor was very good.
I have most of his books; I wouldn’t mind seeing a Benchley post here at Movie Morlocks. (I’m not good at hinting-that was a hint.)

This is more like an actor insult once removed, but I’ve always been fond of Martin Landau’s comment (as Bela Lugosi) about Boris Karloff in “Ed Wood”: “Karloff? That limey cocksucker doesn’t deserve to smell my shit!”

[...] by Flavorwire’s list of putdowns made by directors about directors, the Movie Morlocks compiles a list of actor-on-actor insults. Here’s a surprise:  the actors are much better at it, both in vitriol and satisfyingly [...]

Know what’s missing? The purported insult-laden exchange between Dustin Hoffman and Laurence Olivier while shooting MARATHON MAN.

Steve Martin’s version: Hoffman came to the set one day looking absolutely wretched, and Sir Larry said, “Dusty, you look absolutely wretched!”, and it turns out that he had been awake for twenty-four hours, because at this point in the movie, his character had been, so Larry replied, ‘Oh, Dusty, why don’t you just try acting?’, and the American retorted, ‘Act on this, you British ***,’ and Larry replied, ‘I asked for a meal, not a snack!’”

Not sure if this is exact but I love Bette Davis’ insult on Joan Crawford….
“Joan Crawford slept with every male star at MGM including Lassie”.

Nice ones, fellas! I love MARATHON MAN and I knew there was some tension on set between Olivier & Hoffman but never heard any stories about their exchanges.

Crawford & Davis’ catfight is legendary of course and they exchanged a lot of harsh words but Bette always seemed to have more of a cutting tongue than Crawford. Bette didn’t beat around the bush and went straight for the jugular.

Carole Lombard is said to have remarked of hubby Clark Gable because of his dissappointing “romantic” abilities: “King of Hollywood? More like Queen of Hollywood! ”

Hitchcock to Lifeboat actress Mary Anderson when she asked what her best side was: “My dear, you’re sitting on it!”

Emgee – Ouch! Those probably hurt.

“Like sleeping in bed with a girl” – Ava Gardner on ex hubby Frank Sinatra
“Go shave off your goddamn mustache you c**t” – Judy Garland to Ginger Rogers, inscribed on a stein beer mug
“She knew how to sleep with the right people” – Liza Minnelli on Grace Kelly’s Oscar win
“Her singing voice can peel paint off walls” – Judy Garland on Kathryn Grayson
“She had so much ice water in her veins that she was pissing it” – Ramon Novarro on co-star Jeanette MacDonald
“I am aware of how Miss Davis felt about my makeup in Baby Jane, but my reasons for appearing somewhat glamorous were just as valid as hers, with all those layers of rice powder she wore and that ghastly lipstick. But Miss Davis was always partial to covering up her face in motion pictures. She called it ‘Art.’ Others might call it camouflage- a cover-up for the
absence of any real beauty. ” – Joan on Bette in ‘Baby Jane’
“I’d wring her neck if I can find it” – Noel Coward on Claudette Colbert
“It should have been called ‘All About Me’, dahling!’ – Tallulah Bankhead on Bette Davis in ‘All About Eve’
“When she married him [Vincente Minnelli], I told Judy Garland directly to her face that I’d never shed another tear for her.” – Butterfly McQueen
“It was the most shocking display of bad taste I have ever seen. Look, there’s nothing wrong with my tits, but I don’t go around throwing them in people’s faces.” – Joan Crawford on Marilyn Monroe
“That little Barbra Streisand turned out to be a big ol’ shit” – Vivian Vance
“I could smell his dentures when we were doing a kissing scene, which reeked of cigar smoke.” – Vivien Leigh on Clark Gable
“My mother told me to only speak good of the dead. Joan Crawford is dead. Thank God!” – Bette Davis
“”He played my father in my first picture [A Bill of Divorcement]. His attentions were very unfatherly. When we finished shooting I went up to him and said ‘Thank God I don’t have to act with YOU anymore!’ and he simply said ‘I didn’t know you ever HAD, darling!’” – Kate Hepburn on John Barrymore
“Who does she think she isn’t?” – Yves Montand on Shirley MacLaine
“Elvis not only dyed his blonde hair black, which he thought was more butch, but in some of his movies he wore more eyeliner than his leading ladies” – former co-star Alejandro Rey
“I did a movie with Duke Wayne and was shocked to learn he had small feet and wore lifts and a corset. Hollywood is seldom what it seems” – Rock Hudson
“Brando used to be a huge star, now he’s just huge” – former co-star Brian Keith
“Bob Hope would attend the opening of a supermarket” – Marlon Brando
“I saw this empty taxcab pull up and out hopped Sam Goldwyn” – Bob Hope
“Marilyn was smart for only 10 minutes in her life, and that was the time it took to sign with Darryl Zanuck” – Anne Baxter
“That broad’s got a great future behind her” – Betty Grable on Marilyn Monroe
“THAT DYKE!” – Liz Taylor on Marilyn Monroe, in Marilyn’s prescence
“She is a spoiled, indulgent girl, a blemish on public decency” – Joan Crawford on Liz Taylor
“God it was awful. He can sing but he can’t do much else” – Natalie Wood on her brief fling with Elvis
“Duke Wayne had 4 inch lifts in his shoes.. he was probably buried in those goddamn lifts” – Robert Mitchum

I’m sure everybody knows it already but no list of Famous Movie Insults would be worthy without it: Tony Curtis about kissing Marilyn Monroe in Some Like It Hot. Take it away, Tony! “It was like kissing Hitler”.

She got back at him, and good. The costume designer, when he was making adjustments to Curtis’ female outfit, told MM that Curtis had a better ass than she did. She opened her blouse and shouted “Yeah, but he doesn’t have t**s like these!”

Great batch of insults, mbm. Haven’t heard a lot of them. I find some more than a little surprising so I’m looking forward to researching them more.

Emgee & JeffH – I heard that in Curtis’ recent biography he wrote that his comment about Monroe was taken out of context and wrong. I guess he was merely joking to crew members because he got dumped by Monroe or something. But the insult has sort of taken on a life of its own over the years. On a side note, the more I read about Billy Wilder, the more I believe that he enjoyed working on a crazy set full of actors that were somewhat hostel towards one another.

Not sure what the language constraints are here, so I’ll air on the side of caution — Curtis was quoted later in life saying that, due to her, ahem, grinding, “Kissing Marilyn was like f***ing Marilyn.”

I had always heard the Harry Cohn funeral/”Give the people what they want” line ascribed to Billy WIlder as opposed to Red Skelton, but who knows.

here’s some more:

“I found out that Carole Lombard wasn’t a natural blonde. We’re in her dressing room talking while shooting Bolero and she starts taking her clothes off. I didn’t know what to do!… then she starts mixing peroxide in a bowl and with a piece cotton began to apply the liquid to dye the hair around her honey pot. She glanced up at me and said ‘Relax Georgie, I’m just making my collars and my cuffs match’” – George Raft
“Orson Welles always carries a little suitcase around with him because he’s ashamed of his small nose. He always puts a little putty or something on it.” – Jeanne Moreau
“Think what my brother would’ve acheived if he had been celibate” – Shirley MacLaine
“Woody Allen… is an evil man.” – Maureen O’Sullivan
“I worked with Gig Young once in a film. You don’t get to know a man and you never know what he’s going to do. He had a bland personality, good looks, somewhat sad smile, and years later after he remarries for the second or third time he kills his wife! And I always thought the best of people!” – Joan Blondell
“George C. Scott. Great actor. Big drinker. Wife beater. What else do you want to know?” – ex-wife Colleen Dewhurst
“The least couth actress I’ve ever worked with? Bette Davis” – Helen Hayes
“I’m Number 10 at the box office right behind HER! [Barbra Streisand]. Get me a bag I think I’m going to vomit” – Walter Matthau
“C.B. DeMille invited me to a private screening of ‘Samson and Delilah’ Afterward he asked me how I liked it. I replied: ‘I never like a movie where Vic Mature’s tits are bigger than Hedy Lamarr’s'” – Groucho Marx
“I always thought that Jane Fonda had a stunning figure. Did you see ‘Barbarella’? Why did she need do get a boob job? Just because her husband had an affair with a younger woman? What kind of role model solves her problems by making her bust bigger?” – Sandy Dennis
“Chuck Heston has made acting in period pictures an art. A minor art.” – Ava Gardner
“I said to Marilyn on the set of ‘Prince and the Showgirl’, ‘Why can’t you get here on time for f**k’s sake?’ And she replied ‘Oh, you have that word in England too?’” – Laurence Olivier
“Goddamit, when is she going to be here, she’s going to give me a heart attack.” – Clark Gable about Marilyn Monroe on the set of The Misfits
“She was frightened, insecure. During our scenes in ‘How to Marry a Millionaire’, she’d look at my forehead instead of my eyes. A scene took probably 15 or more takes. I couldn’t dislike Marilyn, she had no meanness in her” – Lauren Bacall
“She was the biggest bitch in show business, thank God I’ll never have to work with her again!” – Tom Bosley on Lucille Ball
“Bruce Lee was an egomaniac. He thought it terrible that he had to be just a movie star when he really wanted to be a dictator. I’m not kidding!” – Lee Marvin
“I wouldn’t say she’s dumb, but one time she squealed out loud on set that she had a terrific idea. The director stared at her and said ‘Treat it gently dear, it’s in a strange place.’” – Tony Randall on Jayne Mansfield, who had an above average IQ
“Yes I have acted with Clint Eastwood. Or rather I have acted opposite Clint Eastwood” – Geraldine Page
“Gerry Page is a superb Method actress. I once asked her what her secret is and she replied ‘Talent’” – Helen Hayes
“I didn’t know what to make of Patty Duke’s erratic behavior. I thought she was a Method actress but then I was informed she was manic depressive” – Elsa Lanchester
“I loved Bill Holden, but I couldn’t have knowingly married an alcoholic” – Audrey Hepburn
“Joan Crawford was on the set, knitting. Lana Turner rushed over to her and yelled ‘The Japanese have destroyed Pearl Harbor!’ Joan looked up at her and said ‘Oh… my dear, who was she?’” – Mary Astor
“I’ve never been a fan of Woody Allen. Many people say he’s the funniest in the world. I find him neurotic” – George C. Scott
“Abbott and Costello were famous for stealing furniture from their sets without the directors calling them out on it. But one did and Lou went home one day and saw that his grand piano was missing. The director made them return EVERYTHING they stole from the set.” – Joe Besser
“I was in one of Woody Allen’s movies [Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex, But Were Afraid to Ask]. When I met him, I wondered how he was qualified to direct this movie”. – John Carradine
“On the set with Chuck Heston, we’d be sitting side by side for 20 minutes and finally I’d turn to him and say ‘You know you can’t sit next to somebody for half an hour and not even say hello. He boomed ‘WELL I CAN!’” – Edward G. Robinson
“Never mind Arthur, Pomona isn’t Lucille’s town.” – Judy Garland to Arthur Freed after a disasterous preview of Yolanda and the Thief, starring Freed’s mistress Lucille Bremer

From Bette Davis (natch): “Joan Crawford? I wouldn’t sit on her toilet.”

“Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult.” — Totie Fields.

“They arrested Helen Reddy for loitering in front of an orchestra.” — Bette Midler

Orson Welles to Dick Cavet : “There’s one question I’ve always wanted to ask you. You always say that you ‘…used to write for Sid Caesar and others.’ Now, I want to know–who were the And Others?”
Cavett: “Well, does the name Jerry Lewis ring a bell?”
Welles: “…a dim gong…”

Bette Davis: “They say you should only say good things about the dead. Joan Crawford is dead. Good.”

One morning Esther Williams and Red Skelton were walking from their dressing rooms to the soundstage where they were costarring in NEPTUNE’S DAUGHTER. As they passed a flowery patch of pansies in full-bloom, Skelton turned to Williams and said, “Ahhhh….the Freed Unit!”

Some I had read before, some not. But they were great. I needed some laughs and I got it. Thanks

“Who said ‘Good career move!’ when another celebrity died?”
That has been said about James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley and Princess Diana. I totally agree.

There is a story that Noel Coward had a crush on King Edward. Someone said, “Noel will never be Queen of England.” Whether aimed at himself or others, no one could top Coward’s pithy remarks. Here is a good selection:
http://www.musicals101.com/noelquot.htm
A critic said of ida Lupino’s acting style that she “looked like she was straining to take a s**t”. Now I love Lupino in everything, but I love that insult too.

Regarding Ramon Navarro on Jeanette MacDonald: Some people say she was hard and cold, others say she was down to earth and fun. She worked very hard. Maurice Chevalier said unkind things about McDonald. She said he wouldn’t stop pawing at her when they made movies together, she fended him off constantly physically and verbally. So one wonders at the origins of some insults. Some people are genuine jerks or really hard to deal with, sometimes it professional jealousy, some people just don’t get along.

Whatever the source, justified or not, there are some very entertaining insults!

Probably apocryphal, but there is a story that on the set of “My Little Chickadee” Mae West caught W.C. Fields looking up her dress as she stood on a ladder. She admonished him, “Bill, I thought you were a gentleman” to which he replied, “Mae, I thought you were a blond.”

Sixties starlets talking trash from a number of my books:

“Barbara Parkins… was so rude and petty all of the time. I just found her behavior to be so silly.”–Lana Wood, her co-star on Peyton Place

“John Wayne was the meanest, nastiest man with the worst attitude that I ever worked with.”–Jill Haworth, his co-star in In Harm’s Way

“Stella Stevens was a pain in the ass. They [the crew] called her Madame Stella–she thought she was some great stellar star. And she wasn’t really much of anything at the time [1962].”–Laurel Goodwin, her co-star in Girls! Girls! Girls!

“Raquel Welch was a probelm on this movie and she was a major, major bitch.”–Lori Williams, her co-star in A Swingin’ Summer

“Jill St. John is an unbelievably cruel person who I am not fond of in the least!”–Quinn O’Hara, her co-star in Who’s Minding the Store?

“Joey Bishop knew my husband at the time and he still came on to me. I was so angry at that asshole. I just felt that he was an absolute creep.”–Sharyn Hillyer, his co-star in A Guide for the Married Man

“Mary Ann Mobley was a phony. She was saccharine, sweet and phony!”–Chris Noel, her co-star in Girl Happy

Great ones, Tom! Thanks for sharing.

Well, only recently Tilda Swinton described acting as a “red herring”. Personally I think that there are very few “great actors”, but great faces, great voices & great scripts in abundance.

John Gilegud was known for his social gaffes.
He told Elizabeth Taylor: “I don’t know what’s happened to Richard Burton. I think he married some terrible film star and had to live abroad.”

Though not actor to actor, probably the most famous insult was Dorothy Parker on Katherine Hepburn, “She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.”

William Frawley called Vivian Vance, “one of the finest gals to come out of Kansas but I often wish she’d go back there. I don’t know where she is now and she doesn’t know where I am and that’s exactly the way I like it.”

While dining with friends, Vivian Vance was informed of Frawley’s death. She raised her glass and said, “Champagne for everyone!”

Ava Gardner on learning of ex-husband Frank Sinatra’s marriage to Mia Farrow, “I always knew Frank would end up with a little boy.”

Finally speaking of Bette and Joan, there’s a great photo taken on the set of “Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte” the day after Joan Crawford left the picture. Bette Davis, Olivia de Havilland, Agnes Moorehead and Joseph Cotten are sitting on set toasting with bottles of…Coca-Cola.