My movie viewing experiences have been rather disappointing lately. I’ve spent a lot of time catching up with the critical and box office successes of 2010 and many of them have left me scratching my head and wondering what I’m missing. But it isn’t just new films that have led to disappointment and lots of wasted hours in recent weeks. I also made the mistake of ordering a couple of duds from the Warner Archive Collection, which was really frustrating. As much as I appreciate Warner and other studios making many of their older films available on DVD-R I can’t possibly afford to buy everything I want to see and I prefer to rent a film before purchasing it so I can decide if it’s worth owning. Most of the films I’m interested in buying are obscure titles so there’s very little critical information available about them. To make matters worse, the viewer ratings on the Warner Archive site tend to be extremely favorable and every film seems to receive four or five star reviews. I don’t particularly like writing about films I dislike but in this case I feel like I’m doing a public service by warning potential buyers to be weary of THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS (1972).

I’ve been curious about THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS for years mainly due to its catchy title and subject matter. I also love a good mystery and the movie’s original poster art grabbed my attention. The film’s plot centers around the murder of a beautiful and mysterious woman in a small California coastal town. It’s assumed that she was killed by her dog, a Doberman Pinscher, that was found hovering over her dead body. Naturally there aren’t a lot of suspects in a town with such a small population but the local sheriff (James Garner) takes his time looking for clues and interviewing potential witnesses. Throughout the course of the film a few red herrings are tossed around without much forethought until the whole thing comes to an unimaginative end.

The cast is full of capable actors including the handsome and charming James Garner as Sheriff Abel Marsh and a much younger Katherine Ross as his love interest. Age differences aside, these two just don’t have a lot of chemistry and their love scenes seem incredibly awkward at times. Hal Holbrook is somewhat interesting as the town’s veterinarian but he never really seems committed to his role and the award-winning actress June Allyson plays his wife. Allyson’s sexually ambiguous character is intriguing but unfortunately she’s given very little screen time. Peter Lawford has one of the movie’s meatiest roles as the murdered woman’s jilted husband but I kept getting distracted by his big hair and loungewear. The ‘70s setting did work in the film’s favor because my favorite moments of THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS were the interior shots of the murdered woman’s isolated beach house. If you happen to be fond of early ‘70s design you might appreciate her groovy pad as much as I did.

James Garner does his best to keep the movie entertaining and manages to make Sheriff Abel Marsh a more rich and complex character than the film actually deserves but the odds are stacked against him. If you want a reason to watch THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS I’d point out that it’s a predecessor to the popular television series The Rockford Files (1974-1980), which featured James Garner in one of his most memorable roles. Sheriff Abel Marsh and Detective James Rockford have a similar sense of humor and there are a lot of parallels in the two characters laidback approach to solving crimes.  It’s also worth noting that THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS was one of the last films shot on MGM’s historic back lot where the Andy Hardy movies and spectacular musicals like Meet Me in St. Louis (1944) were filmed before it was demolished. THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS even makes use of the original Andy Hardy house in a few scenes.

The film was directed by James Goldstone who made a name for himself while working on many celebrated television shows like The Outer Limits (1963-64), The Fugitive (1964), Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea (1964-65), Rawhide (1965), Perry Mason (1965), Honey West (1965) and Star Trek (1966). THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS was one of Goldstone’s first feature films but his stilted directing style was better suited for television. The film is hampered by lackluster cinematography, poorly staged fight scenes and lifeless dialogue exchanges. If I didn’t know any better I would have assumed that I was watching a made-for-TV movie. The script was written by Lane Slate and it had potential but there’s a slight homophobic and misogynistic quality about the writing that impedes the production. And when you compare it to European thrillers that were made around the same time or American films with a similar setting like Clint Eastwood’s Play Misty For Me (1971), THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS comes across as a poorly constructed amateur effort.

THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS has occasionally been mentioned in the same breath as other films featuring killer Doberman dogs like The Boys from Brazil (1978), but it’s nowhere near as entertaining as that Oscar nominated movie. I did appreciate they way that the film dealt with the idea of a murderous dog and placed the blame for any negative behaviors squarely at the feet of the animal’s owner and trainer. I’m particularly fond of Doberman Pinschers because my grandfather owned one that I dearly loved. Her name was Smiley and she was a beautiful animal but she had been trained to attack. My grandfather trusted the dog enough to let it baby-sit me and she was totally devoted to protecting her family, but one day Smiley got loose and attacked a passing stranger. Thankfully no one was seriously hurt but my grandfather was forced to let the dog go. I don’t know if her training had been too rough or if she was abused in any way before my grandfather adopted her but I do know that she was a wonderful dog. Unfortunately you can’t always predict an animal’s behavior and stress as well as other factors can lead to dangerous situations. But there are effective ways to deal with aggressive pets if you’re willing to make the effort and THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS alludes to that possibility.

I wish I could tell you that THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS was ripe for rediscovery but I think it’s actually ripe for a remake. According to Jay Scott’s book Midnight Matinees: Movies and Their Makers 1975-1985, director John Huston once said “There is a willful lemming-like persistence in remaking past successes time after time. They can’t make them as good as they are in our memories, but they go on doing them and each time it’s a disaster. Why don’t we remake some of our bad pictures – I’d love another shot at ‘Roots of Heaven’ – and make them good?” I couldn’t agree with Huston more and THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS would really benefit from a reimagining of the material with a better director at the helm. There’s a seed of a good idea somewhere in the movie and lots of room for creative camerawork, some lush location photography and interesting acting roles if the script is flushed out. Are you listening Hollywood? How about forgoing the planned remakes of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds (1963), John Arnold’s Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), David Cronenberg’s The Brood (1979) and John Carpenter’s Escape From New York (1981). I personally think the creative forces behind these projects would have better success and critical respect if they decided to remake THEY ONLY KILL THEIR MASTERS instead.