Look deep into the heart of a true cinephile and you’ll find not only a long list of movies he or she is dying to see and hasn’t but another equally long, if not longer, list of movies he or she is dying to see that were never made. 

Fantastical imaginings! Imaginary match-ups!  Cross genre mash-ups!  Seeing this image from RKO’s THE CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE (1944), I’m struck by how cool calypso singer turned occasional bit player Sir Lancelot looks in his gabardine suit and wide brimmed hat.  He looks just like a detective! In the film, directed by Gunther von Fritsch and Robert Wise for producer Val Lewton (as part of an ongoing series of psychological horror films shot at RKO), Lancelot plays a chipper valet for a nice white family in Tarrytown, New York.  In this scene, he is merely collecting his young charge from a neighbor’s house… and yet he has such a presence in his street clothes – such velvet glove authority – that I can’t help but imagine him involved in something a bit more complex.

Born Lancelot Edward Victor Pinard on March 24, 1902, in Cumoto, Trinidad, Sir Lancelot was the son of an affluent government official.  A musical prodigy as a child, Lancelot Pinard was aimed towards a career as a pharmacist and studied medicine in New York before the siren call of singing lured him to his true path.  He began performing classical numbers but soon incorporated calypso tunes into his repertoire.  Promoted by bandleader Gerald Clark under the Arthurian moniker “Sir Lancelot,” he made his debut at the Village Vanguard in 1940, where he established himself as a pioneer calypsonian and recorded popular calypso sides (which inspired a young Harry Belafonte).  This diversion from his stated career goal got him disowned by his family, which a wounded but undaunted Sir Lancelot answered with the song “Shame & Scandal,” which he performs in the RKO creeper I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE (1942).  If you know that movie, you know what a intriguing character Sir Lancelot is, effectively playing himself: a nattily dressed troubadour with impeccable manners and a funny habit of incorporating shameful tidbits from the past into his songs to the mounting horror of his listeners.  More than one critic has labeled Lancelot’s unnamed character a one-man Greek chorus and the label fits; you get so accustomed to his sudden appearances and so enjoy the way he sticks it to Whitey that you miss when he disappears from the tale halfway through.

Wouldn’t it be great if RKO had really run with that character and the potential of a dedicated series built around him…  or at least farmed him out to other studios for a line of branded whodunits in the mold of The Saint and The Falcon or those plucky but always polite Asiatic sleuths Charlie Chan,  Mr. Moto and Mr. Wong?  I’m not asking for a lot – I’m not asking for Nick and Nora gloss or tons of Sherlock Holmes atmosphere, period detail and supervillainy – I’m just saying, how badass would it have been if little Sir Lancelot could have run around on some old back lot sets with his guitar strung across his rounded shoulders and mixed it up with some contract players as he sussed out the ugly truth with his trademark combination of gentility and doggedness and called out the killer in song?  Check out this actual newspaper from 1967 – “strange deaths” in Cuba at the same time Sir Lancelot is making a triumphant return trip to the Islands!  How hard would it have been for the aging balladeer to charter a seaplane and hop on over to Cuba to track down and corner the killer… who may even have been whiskered Commie front man Fidel Castro himself?)  Boy oh boy I wish they had made these movies. And the really cool thing is that Sir Lancelot outlived all the other movie sleuths – all the Charlie Chans, Mr. Moto and Mr. Wong, Sherlock Holmes and both Nick and Nora.  At the time of his own demise on March 12, 2001 (a tick of the clock away from his 99th birthday), he had truly buried them all!

The possibilities are endless.  In SIR LANCELOT STRIKES OUT (1941), he could solve a mysterious death while attending a double header at Wrigley Field, where he has been invited to sing the National Anthem!  In THINK TWICE, SIR LANCELOT (1944), he might have to deduce the guilty party from a set of identical twins!

In SIR LANCELOT’S GAMBLE (1942), he could unmask a killer from among the swells and dandies at a Mediterranean casino where he has been hired to perform!. In SIR LANCELOT IN RENO (1943), he could solve the slaying of a gay divorcee and try his hand at rodeo clowning!

In AHOY THERE, SIR LANCELOT (1944), he could thwart Italian drug traffickers while crewing aboard a tramp steamer.  (Trivia:  Like Lancelot’s swabbie cap?  His songs were the inspiration for the theme to GILLIGAN’S ISLAND and series creator Sherwood Schwartz briefly considered hiring him to sing it.)  In SIR LANCELOT IN CENTRAL PARK (1944), capitalizing on his single “A Night in Central Park,” our man could hear a murder rather than a murmur and clap the culprit in irons by the lion cage at the zoo!

In SIR LANCELOT ON VOODOO ISLAND (1945), our man could ankle Axis rats operating out of an allegedly haunted sugar cane grove in darkest Haiti with the help of an obliging zombie (Darby Jones, natch).  In SIR LANCELOT’S FAKE-OUT (1946), he could oppose counterfeiters who have bootlegged his recordings!  This would have been a great opportunity to put Sir Lancelot on the big screen with other calypso performers, like Lord Invader, whose “Rum and Coca Cola” was covered by The Andrews Sisters and became a big hit in the States even though the song was a condemnation of the corrupting influence of the American military on the Islands.  That’s what so great about Sir Lancelot… he serves up the judgment in such an entertaining and nonthreatening way that we’re completely charmed and arrested at the same time.  He sure would have cleaned house as a private dick and made some beautiful music while doing it.

In the kinder, gentler holiday classic MERRY CHRISTMAS, SIR LANCELOT! (1946), our tubby protag could clear the name of an innocent man charged with embezzlement while visiting relatives in Bedford Falls.  Oh, I could go on and on.  When you’re dreaming, the sky’s the limit.  I love my imaginary Sir Lancelot – Calypso Cop box set.  I think I’ll watch one of these gems right now – in my brain.