Last week, our blogathon on topics related to the Academy Awards referenced many award-winning films: Some of these movies were classics that deserved their Oscars; others were forgettable films that the Academy honored for reasons that had more to do with popularity, trends, or political correctness. Yet, even those films were well crafted, competently acted, and engaging, whether they spoke to everyone’s tastes, or not. The focus on award-winners made me think in the opposite direction — about films that are so bad they don’t even qualify for the Razzies.

 ”Razzies” is short for the Golden Raspberry Awards, which are an exercise in cynicism designed to poke a hole in the Academy Awards’ pomp by “honoring” the supposed worst films of the year. The Golden Raspberries were created in 1980 by John Wilson, a publicist (big surprise). “Raspberry” comes from an old vaudeville term, “blowing a raspberry,” which is a noise that audience members made when an act was particularly bad. Sometimes bad movies on the caliber of Razzie winners can actually be fun to watch, especially on cable when you don’t have anything invested in the experience. Bad movies can remind us that you don’t always have to watch a good movie to have a good movie experience. However, just like the Oscars don’t always honor the best, the Razzies don’t always (dis)honor the worst. In my job, I have seen screeners for movies that are so bad they are self-distributed by the filmmakers, because even distributors of low-budget horror junk won’t touch them. I have invented my own award for these films; it’s the “There Are No Words To Describe How Bad This Movie Is” Award, or the Suzi Award.  

This bargain-basement level of filmmaking is not a recent phenomenon, and horror isn’t the only genre plagued with it. One of the best examples of a really bad film (if that makes sense) is a little gem I picked up on the DVD bargain table for $1.00 called The Fat Spy, which definitely deserves a Suzi Award because it is truly too bad for words.  

MANSFIELD LONG BEFORE THE FAT SPY

 The Fat Spy is a spoof of several movie fads popular in the mid-1960s, particularly beach movies and spy adventures. The nonsensical storyline involves a group of teenagers who look for an old Spanish galleon on an island off the coast of Florida, but the island is inhabited by a horticulturalist searching for Ponce de Leon’s Fountain of Youth for a cosmetics company. The cast is a strange mix of movie stars, TV celebrities, and unknowns. The plant scientist, Irving, is played by 1960s stand-up comic Jack E. Leonard, who has a dual role. He also costars as Irving’s ruthless twin brother, Herman, who — like Irving — works for cosmetics tycoon Mr. Wellington, played by Golden Age leading man Brian Donlevy. Herman is in love with rival cosmetics mogul, Camille Salamander, and the two scheme to find the Fountain for themselves. The role of Camille, who is also called Rapunzel Fingernail for reasons never explained, is not performed so much as “inhabited” by brassy comedienne Phyllis Diller. As an additional complication, Irving is in love with Wellington’s daughter, Junior, played by sex symbol Jayne Mansfield. One of the teenagers is played by rock ‘n’ roll singer Johnny Tillotson, but the others are played by unknowns with names like Tony Turner and Tommy Trick. 

Normally, at this point, I would offer a warning of “spoiler alert,” but if anyone were to watch this film, it would not matter if they knew plot details in advance, because the film makes no sense anyway. At the end of the film, all of the parties end up at a park where the Fountain of Youth is located. But, the Fountain is not the legendary water source searched for by explorer Ponce De Leon. As a matter of fact, it is not water at all but twin black roses that, when eaten, turn the characters back into childhood versions of themselves.  No kidding.

 The Fountain of Youth quest is an attempt to spoof James Bond and other spy adventures. The addition of pop songs, references to current fads in pop culture, and the absurdist plot are reminiscent of the intentional campiness of the popular spy spoof What’s New, Pussycat?, but The Fat Spy is so poorly conceived, directed, and acted that it misses the mark by a wide margin. The teen subplot is heavily padded with forgettable pop songs, such as “You Put Me Down in the Nicest Way” and a dance tune in which everyone does “The Turtle.” Indeed, The Fat Spy, which has a 78-minute running time, averages a song every four minutes. The central teenage couple is named Frankie and Nanette, which is supposed to be a joke on the Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello Beach Party movies, but it is a one-note joke stretched over 78 minutes. And, it is a really long 78 minutes — the three-hour Benjamin Button flies by in comparison. 

DONLEVY AND MANSFIELD MUDDLE THROUGH A SCENE

Joseph Cates directed the film in the same superficial manner of the television variety specials that were his bread and butter. Cates’s directorial skills were so poor that he could not handle so basic a technique as matching eyelines from shot to shot during a conversation. In their medium and close-up shots, the characters rarely seem to look at the person speaking to them, but instead look into empty space or in the complete opposite direction. In an early conversation between Mansfield and Donlevy, for example, we assume from the way the scene is edited that the two are standing across the desk from each other in Donlevy’s office. Then, as the conversation progresses, they also appear to be addressing someone at the far side of the room. Near the end of the scene, Cates cuts to master shot, which reveals they are actually standing next to each other and there is no one else in the room at all.           

Most of the actors embarrass themselves in this film. Diller and Leonard perform in the broad manner of TV comedy sketches, while Mansfield falls back on a parody of her characters from earlier comedies. The appearance of Mansfield in the film is just plain sad, because it reveals the decline of her career. Though a gifted comedienne, she had a narrow range because of her star image as a sex goddess and her unique physical appearance. Bad management and an addiction to publicity combined to push her career into a series of too-similar roles in increasingly poor films. In The Fat Spy, Mansfield, who was pregnant at the time, looked tired and bloated. She made another film in the same year called Las Vegas Hillbillies; I wonder if it is worse that The Fat Spy, though I can’t see how. 

DONLEVY IN HIS LATER CAREER

The only actor who fares worse is Brian Donlevy, who had been appearing in Hollywood movies since the silent era. Donlevy, whose life was like a story from an adventure book, had supposedly ridden with General Pershing’s army chasing Pancho Villa across Mexico. He then joined the famous Lafayette Escadrille during World War I. In Hollywood, he became a successful actor, playing both villains and leading men, earning an Oscar nomination as the sadistic sergeant in Beau Geste. During the Golden Age, he appeared in such classics as Jesse James, Miracle of Morgan’s Creek, and The Kiss of Death. He deserved a better end to his career than to appear in such drivel as The Fat Spy. It’s hard to pick a low point in the film since the whole movie is 78 minutes of low points, but I did feel sorry for Donlevy in the scene in which his character is sailing his yacht to the island. As he stands on the deck peering out to sea, a series of voices can be heard in the background imitating stars who played famous Hollywood gangsters — Bogart, Cagney, and Robinson. I can only guess that the purpose is to show that Donlevy’s character is as tough and ruthless as a gangster. However, the scene really only serves to remind the audience that these big stars retired or ended their careers with fame and respect, while Donlevy’s glory had long since faded, though it is no reflection on his talent.  

I am sure that everyone has watched an equivalent to The Fat Spy — a film so bad that there are no words to describe it. If you think your film is deserving of a Suzi Award, leave a comment with the title, so that I can either watch it . . . or avoid it!